Processing The Journey: A Poem I Wrote Some Time Ago Regarding My Walk With Ana and The Point Of Choosing Life

We often ponder where the turning point lies -- when we find that we are poised upon the precipice of the choice between Life and Death.  The following work was shared on Project Shapeshift on April 2, 2010:


"I was reading a work by Kodou, and the following empathic processing ensued:


I am transported --
To a different time
A different place
A former Life
As a different wife...

Wedded in Black to Ana in absolute dark devotion,
I have stood in that place;
Faced the Inquisition before every reflective surface...

This netherworld where all who slip over the Thin Red Line find themselves...
Into the soul-annihilating abyss of overt AN...
At once beautiful and hideous
Wondrous and devastating
Alluring and most toxic
Terrifying and irresistible
The most exquisite torture, and yet
There is Pleasure here

She beckons, always
Her whispers milk and honey --
Promising Absolution
Purification
Ascension
Enlightenment
NirvAna

Nothing but the velvet kiss of Death will free me from this rapacious seduction; this defiled Lifepath,
Chasing Ana and Her elusive promises over the edge and into the Inverse of Living itself

I must fight -- with every breath
Deny the potent desire of my own heart
Stand vigilantly against what feels so natural...
But is unquestionably my ultimate demise

Locked in the tenuous throes of opposing wills,
I resist the longing;
Close my eyes against the corruptive enchantment of AnaVision
Close my mind against Numberlust
Seek that which is intrinsically ME
Within a tainted being, where Ana's signature blurs the boundaries of self and AnaConsciousness
For if I falter; if I relax
Even for a moment
She will win
And this will be the end.


See my reading of this work on YouTube: Processing The Healing Journey: Anorexia Nervosa